Hallowe’en’s coming up. I’ve always liked Hallowe’en. In fact, the worst thing about it is hearing Samhain (the Gaelic word for feast of the eve of All Hallows) pronounced Sam Hain on every American show from here to beyond eternity. It’s not Sam Hain. Sam Hain is a nice man but he’s not all that keen on Hallowe’en. It’s Sow-win (Sow – a female pig; Win – a kind of victory. That will lead us back to D’oh).
Now, before I tell you this I have to stress I am not a witch. I wish I was. I don’t believe in mumbo jumbo and waving things over other things to make different things happen, although that’d be great. Very handy. But I am comfortable around this time of year. Mostly because it gets dark and cold and that’s a great excuse for telly and hot whiskey.
My granddad always used to say “Never be afraid of the dead; it’s the living you have to watch out for.” Even though witches are supposed to be alive and just people ‘n all, I’m not afraid of them. Well, I’m not afraid of the ones with the broom-sticks and familiars and warts and pointy hats: I’d be wary of the other ones. The fake ones; the ones with New Age businesses.
The second I’m jealous of someone, or think they’ve been unnecessarily lucky, or they get a larger random portion of chips than I do, I have to think nice things immediately. More than once recently someone I’ve harboured ill feelings for has come a cropper and I’ve been left feeling all guilty. Loads of people wish me ill; I know because they often say it to my face or in emails. But when bad stuff happens to me, I’m certain they don’t blame themselves. They do little dances of joy round bonfires, or microwaves if they live in a flat. If someone I don’t like has bad luck, I believe I somehow – unwittingly – brought it about. It is a terrible power and an awful curse. I’m like one of those children in horror movies. I don’t mean it, but I’m evil and don’t know my own spooky strength.
So why not hedge your bets and be nice to me? And by the way, I like Bendick’s Bittermints.
Or sponsor me to run the New York marathon for the Alzheimer’s Society here.
