I’m really, really annoyed at Eddie Izzard. He’s unselfishly running all around the UK, covering about 1000 miles. That’s the equivalent of 30 miles a day. A day. That’s more than a marathon.
It’s noble. It’s novel. You should sponsor him. Ordinarily, I’d be right behind him, too, but his timing – so impeccable onstage – is off. With his fearless, Herculean endeavour, he’s made me look shite. I’m training for…the measly New York marathon. Just the one. Sigh. How predictable. How boring and downright lazy of me. I may as well sit on my hands, eating cake (with my mouth) and call charities on the phone to tell them that I wish they’d shut down. That’s how pointless my endeavour seems, compared to his.
He’s wrecking my buzz. He’s cock-blocking me with his legs. Now when I approach people for money on behalf of the Alzheimer’s Society , he’s bleedin’ got there first. When I run a 10 miler, my glow of satisfaction and achievement is dulled by the fact that I’ve only done one-third of what he’s done that day. I’m building up to 20-mile long runs before my big day (November 1), and even they just seem like molehills to his mountain.
It’s like spending all night working on a papier maché model of a horse and carefully carrying it in on the school-bus, only to find that Izzard got there early and has made a life-sized animatronic one you can ride. Even in a good light, mine is still just a pile of sticky paper. Sticky paper, no matter how long I worked on it, will never make people go “ooh” in anything other than an indulgent auntie kind of way. Bless her. She’s trying. But did you see the pile of shit?
But I will continue with my pile of shit, and I will continue to ask for money for it. The Alzheimer’s Society is a great cause and I’ve made a promise to them. So far, I’ve raised over £1000 for them. I have no doubt that Izzard will make about £1 million or something (I’ll even help him to it, the bloody lovely show-off), but he’s not the only person out there with sore feet.
Please, please support his flashy animatronic horse. But keep 50p back and give it to my sticky one.
www.justgiving.com/taraflynn
