It’s a miracle. A little, silver miracle. Hard to imagine that something that can be delivered in the post could be so wondrous. It is new fangled and shiny and a technological breakthrough and it works. Wait! Let me describe the miracle; it is shaped, for all the world, like some kind of squat jug. You pour water into the body of it (any kind of water you like), place a lid on the top of it (it even comes with the lid – you hardly have to do a thing) and place it on a magic pad (you’ve guessed, that’s in the box, too) which you plug into a wall and after about 3 minutes, you pour some of the water out again and it’s hot - some would say boiling. Amazing! I have a kettle again. Life is good.I spent the early part of the week boiling water on the stove. This was a disaster – have you seen my gas bill? This extra illumination of cooker-rings would surely push it from barely manageable to scandalous. I don’t have many pots, so it was a constant negotiation to keep one free to be the water-pot. “You’re not making soup in that one, are you?” and other vicious, biting comments were flung about the kitchen, depending on who needed Lemsip more imminently. Have you tried hot lemon paracetomol drink with a vegetable-y aftertaste? Don’t bother. It’s vile. I know. But I needed cold & flu relief, stat.
The only good bit about the old kettle breaking down (the lining went all crunchy and fell out. Mmm: poisony) was that I got to shop for a new one at my favourite place: EBay. I love it there. I got a shiny new kettle for not-too expensive and a spongy new dog-bed for £7 (RRP £60 – I’ve seen it in the shops). Score. I even still like EBay though I got marked down on my own delivery times as a seller during the postal strike. The comments were all good (sigh) but the little gold stars for delivery time stopped coming. Accurate description/ fair P&P and all that remained stable, but these people have no hearts! EBay told them that things would take longer. I said so too. Still, down went the little stars, and with them, my confidence. There was a stage when I was selling loads of CDs where I was giving super-efficient service not just because it was the right thing to do, but because I wanted nice comments and stars. A whole new place to look for approval. And there’s loads of stuff on it. No wonder I want to live there (despite the heartless ones with the enormo-calendars. Probably got them on EBay).
Since this morning, I’ve been making tea that I don’t even need and almost wishing I had the flu symptoms back. Right now, everything’s solveable in roughly three minutes. Three shiny, miraculous minutes. Man, I love stuff.
In London on Dec 30? Come and see me with London Comedy Improv for our Christmas Thang. Details here.
