Rage At Harmless People is a phenomenon spotted and named by Tiernan Douieb. It was being performed at the time of naming by me and (to a much more skillful extent) Michael Legge. But you have done it too, and if you haven’t. you are a lying weirdo. You weirdo.
I try and maintain the modicum of fair play, and have always lived by the ideal of not bitching about someone who hasn’t in any way harmed me, or isn’t there to put their side of the story. But this is only an ideal, and totally changes if I haven’t met them. If I haven’t met them, they are essentially fictional characters and fair game for my vitriol. They will never need to defend themselves because I can close the book and put them to sleep. They’re not real. Take that, Fakey.
Of course, I bitch ad nauseum about people who’ve acted like pricks, but that’s different; they are pricks. This is about people who have not affected my life in any way except to irrationally irk me. How fun is that?
The people currently taking top place on my list of Harmless People Deserving of Rage are:
1. Girlie-girls who pretend to be helpless when in truth, they’d eat you without salt.
2. “Alternative” types who assert their difference by being the same, with tattoos, eye-liner and shit lives. (Ink, khol and depression? Join the fucking queue. Take that, samey.)
3. People of any gender who insist that they are made of cardigans and biscuit-crumbs and only eat milkshakes.
4. People who make a huge palaver about ordering the vegetarian option because they “like to adhere as much as possible to Buddhist principles”, but only when they don’t feel like ribs.
5. Girl singers who have to pretend to have asthma because there’s nothing else interesting about them. I have asthma – I am still audible. Speak up, you whispery bitch.
6. Vocal prudes: they are having lots of kinky sex.
7. Vocal kinks: they are not.
8. The usual: people at the airport/ coffee shop/ post-office who don’t know how to use the airport/ coffee shop/ post-office.
9. People who make their own clothes.
10. Clowns, mimes, anyone with a feather boa. I don’t care how long you trained to ride that unicyle. You are shit.
I feel better already! True, they’ve done nothing to hurt me, but that’s the point. They annoy me, and I’m human, and this misspent anger allows me (when it really counts, in the real world) to forgive and forget as soon as possible. Maybe not immediately, but before psychiatric intervention is required, for sure.
Oh, and pirates. I hate pirates.
NYC Marathon for Alzheimer’s Society – done. But you can still sponsor me here. Thank you.
