There’s great light in my kitchen because two lovely big windows let it in. We all know that natural light is the most accurate for mirror-based activities, so that’s where I do mine. I’m often to be glimpsed in the harsh winter glare, tweezers in hand, stooping to sill height to get a good, critical look at myself and all my imperfections.
The only problem is that sometimes, when I pop my head up to get a middle distance view (perspective changes a a lot), I notice that, while I’ve been engrossed in self-criticism, the neighbours or the guys who work in the locksmith’s have congregated below. They may have only congregated in twos, or even ones (technically a one-gregation) but I still feel as observed as Pope Benedict about to give one of his famous sermons, outlawing yoga and that kind of thing.
These people aren’t even looking at me. They’re parking cars or manoeuvring wheelie bins and getting on with their day. But because I’m doing private lady things, I feel caught rotten. Sometimes, the sudden jerk of my head into the perspective position draws attention to the window and they look up. And I pop back down again. And then something far worse than them observing me happens: they think I’ve been watching them. They assume that they can only see the top of my head because I’m trying to monitor them covertly and failing miserably.
No amount of waving of tweezers and cotton-balls dramatically above my head could convince them other than that I’m a curtain-twitcher of the lowest order. And I’m too ashamed of my blackheads and thread-veins to pop back up and just wave hello. So I stoop out of sight(ish), and wait until they’ve gone.
The next time I bump into them outside, I’m over-friendly and insistent that my eyes don’t work. “The wall was demolished, you say? I didn’t notice. I don’t see anything. I’m off in my own little world.” Anything to prove I’m not nosey. I see equal amounts of incredulity and pity welling up in their eyes like tears. I want to tell them that I’ve got Freeview + and have plenty to watch if I were in a watching mood, but they’ve already disengaged. Now, more than ever, they want to keep an eye on me. Where, oh , where will I do my eyebrows, now?
