I have very few vices left with this bleedin’ marathon. Low sugar, low alcohol, low fun. So, having given up coffee 18 months ago, a little drop of the black stuff has crept back in during the summer. It’s like crack to me now; I’d mug you for a medium soya latte.
I’ve had to admit to this, because they’ve begun to recognise me at my local coffee-shop, and shove the soya milk under the steamer when they see me, paces off, through the window. If I look carefully, there’s just the tiniest hint of fear in their eyes. Oh, they’re all “Hello again!” and “Would you like a pastry?” smiles, their mouths curling up at the corners like the very croissants they’re pushing, but they know what I’m here for. No point trying to claim that it’s occasional when I’m obviously a regular. I have a loyalty card. It is now full.
Far from being elated that my next cuppa will be free, and this will feel as if I’m somehow sticking it to the coffee-man for his too-expensive prices and wasteful cardboard cups, I felt beaten. They’ve got me. I’m back in – hooked on their frothy junk.
Luckily, I am in little danger of being denied my free hit: all the stamps on my card are red – not a single incongruous blue one. In his If You Prefer A Milder Comedian, Please Ask For One show this year, Stewart Lee deals at length with the perils of a mismatch. Watching the bit, I felt uneasy. If I’d seen it a year before, I could have laughed along smugly but now, I had the loyalty card for the exact brand he was talking about stuffed guiltily into my wallet. I was one of them. I felt dirty and I badly wanted a coffee. It’s too late for me, but you can save yourselves…RUN. Still, at least it wasn’t Starbucks.
I’ve been a big fan of Stewart’s for a long time – long before he gave me some work – so I don’t feel one bit dirty about telling you that his excellent Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle is out now on DVD here. Even if you saw it during its TV run, the DVD has extras and commentaries. The Apples sketch (with Kevin Eldon and Paul Putner) made me laugh more than anything I’ve ever seen on TV ever. I’m in bits of it, but please don’t let that put you off; I’m mostly wearing wigs and you’ll hardly know I’m there. *
Now, do I want a second coffee…?
Running the NYC marathon for the Alzheimer’s Society on Nov 1. Please sponsor me here.
* Personal commentary:
1. Look out for me mis-throwing a punch during an action scene. The stuntwoman ducks it expertly, as if it’s landed, but I accidentally arc my (meant-to-be-a) right-hook high up over her head. Idiot. In rehearsals, I had been cowering behind a desk when it all went off, but on the day the stunt coordinator decided I should fight back. Definitely funnier, but I’m not good with movementy things unless I’ve done them all night the night before in my flat. It was a huge, choreographed bit and we didn’t have time to do it again. All I can tell you is that I did it right twice, but as they’re not the takes they used, who cares? Rarely have I been so humiliated by myself.
2. Kevin Eldon and I in a very long shot, naked in a bath. Outside. On the coldest day of last year. The shot is too long to show you the true horror: purple, goose-pimply flesh and the sorest just-out-of-shot nipples you’ve ever just-not-seen. Enjoy.
