I’m writing this last night, in the past. Wasn’t yesterday great? Everyone held your own back door open for you with a glint in their eyes and your keys between their teeth. And then everyone would make everyone else tea. Story tea. Lovely, friendly tea with a story attached. Ah, yesterday!
Yesterday (most of it) was also a time before the second British leaders’ debate, all the way from Bristol. That’s why I’m going to write about it now (then), before it happens; way more interesting than commenting on it after the event. You know how you’re going to vote so you don’t care what I think…or, at least, you shouldn’t.
So, this debate in the near future (past): polls point to Nick Clegg having won the last one, but – as it’s still the past as I write – I have no idea what will have happened in tonight’s (last night’s – you get it now). Maybe Clegg will have come out on top again, simply by not being too slimy or uncharismatic. Or maybe a desperate David Cameron will have reached across, unzipped the back of Clegg’s head and revealed a lizard beneath. Wouldn’t that be cool? If all 3 leaders were aliens and had to fight to the death, all claws and tongues flicking, for the right to be PM? Yeah, that’d be cool.
Maybe someone in the assembled crowd of concerned citizens will have smuggled in some kind of weapon – like a magic truth mirror. All 3 would have had to speak their policies at their own reflection and try to keep a straight face. Whoever cracks, loses. My guess is that all 3 may have declined the offer but that’s not the game! There’s no passing!
The real truth is that, although this is the most exciting, closely run campaign for many years (and the TV debates are a long-overdue, essential piece of theatre) watching 3 blokes try to top each other verbally is all a bit dry. The outcome is intensely interesting, but I last found debating sexy in my Leaving Cert year. They need to move on: there should be arm-wrestling: shirts off, dirty wrestling. Or a cook-off! Imagine if the new British top man had to prove himself based on his basting skills? That would be awesome.
A rap battle would be embarrassing and possibly inappropriate, so I would be all over that. I love the smell of desperation and I wouldn’t put it past one of them to try it. Then the gauntlet would be down for the other two. Come on! Rap it up, you guys.
A vote is a serious thing. You have to earn it. Dance for us, monkey boys. Dance.
Maybe they did. I wouldn’t know. In the past, it hasn’t happened yet. Tea?
