Oh no. ‘Tis the season to be jolly. ‘Tis. There’s no avoiding it; ’tis here. And that means socialising and being merry, and that means drinking. I’m looking forward to it in equal measures of anticipation and dread. I haven’t been drinking at all. This now seems stupid, because my tolerance is so low that [...]

Tofurkey is £30! £30! Gram for gram, that’s more expensive than real turkey. We’ve decided to do a vegetarian Christmas this year, and we were hoping to buy Tofurkey, mainly because it sounds hilarious. Turns out it’s really dear and so must most probably be gilt-edged and delivered by a live goose – thereby negating [...]

I wish it was the past! Why is it now? Now is so booooring! I’ve been quite enjoying listening to Christmas songs since my allowing of it to be Christmas the other day. But there is no doubt that Mariah and U2 and Bruce Springsteen are all blown right out of the frosty water by [...]

Oh, Jaysus! Be careful what you wish for! It’ll only go and happen! I take it back! My last wish is for more wishes! “Oh, yes it is!” “Oh, no it isn’t!” Repeat. I wished to be very busy. It has happened. I am very busy and I am flattened. Very, very grateful, but flattened. [...]

Vampires are popular now, aren’t they? (That’s got to be a contender for understatement of the year.) I get it: the sex and death and sexy (un)death must be really appealing if you’re young enough never to have thought about any of those things happening to you. The bad bits, anyway. But one car-crash, or [...]